


When You're Gone

by tromana



Series: Fall to Grace [8]
Category: The Mentalist
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Friends to Lovers, One Shot, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-21
Updated: 2012-10-21
Packaged: 2017-11-16 18:37:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/542595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tromana/pseuds/tromana
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Five times Jane thought Lisbon might leave him, and one time she actually did.</p>
            </blockquote>





	When You're Gone

**Author's Note:**

> Written for lolly2222 in the Paint It Red Great Stocking Exchange 2012.

i.

Teresa Lisbon is an interesting woman, he thinks. Their first case together almost ended in disaster, but somehow, he managed to pull things together and almost impress her. She's annoyed though, that much is apparent. The look in her eye, whenever he manages to catch it, that is, suggests that she is not that impressed by his 'antics'. But then, what to him is logic is sheer insanity to her. Lisbon has been taught how to follow the rulebook to the letter whereas he takes a sideways glance at it before throwing it out of the window.

He thinks they could be able to work well together, somehow. The only problem is that they have to trust one another. But then, he already knows that trust is a difficult subject when it comes to this specific agent. One quick read of her tells him all that he needs to know: she's been let down time and time again. Breaking down her barriers is going to be as much of a challenge for him as putting himself back together is.

Jane knows that his life is a mess at the moment. Despite the fact he's been released from that mental institution with a clean bill of health, it doesn't mean that he's sane. He's just very good at lying and wearing masks to cover his real identity. In truth, he's still deep in mourning for his beloved wife and daughter. And none of that is going to change, at least not until Red John is six feet under.

He's waiting outside Virgil Minelli's office currently. Jane knows that Lisbon is in a meeting with the special senior agent, and he's nervously awaiting the outcome. He cannot blame her for being frustrated at his methods when they differ so vastly from her own. As far as he's concerned, it came out with the required result, so what does it matter? However, he'd seen that she had issues from the offset of their partnership and he wouldn't be surprised if it has ended before it's even really had a chance to get going.

But he wants – needs –this chance. It isn't just a case of Red John, Red John, Red John. He's relying on this job to help him rediscover who he is as a person. He wants to repay his debt to society. He wants to prove to himself as much as anybody else that, deep down, he is still a good person. And Lisbon, she just seems to be a block in the road right now. She might not even give him the chance to absolve his sins.

Eventually, she storms out of the office, clearly unhappy with the way the meeting went. She looks him straight in the eye and she's frowning.

"One last chance, Mr. Jane," she seethes, quietly simmering with rage underneath her concise words. "That's all I'm giving you."

He doesn't know whether to laugh or cry at the result.

ii

He accidentally gets a man killed when trying to close a case.

Jane didn't mean to; he thought he'd had the situation under control. However, the woman had reacted worse than he'd initially anticipated, but in retrospect, it wasn't that surprising. Then it snowballed out of control, landing up with her husband dead on the kitchen floor, her fleeing outside with Lisbon hot on her heels. Despite having worked for the CBI for three years now, this is the first time (since the initial case) where things have gone quite so disastrously out of hand.

The first case had been a learning curve for him, he'd worked out where and how he had been pushing things too far. Since then, he's calmed down his behavior and managed to find something that works for him. It still annoys Lisbon on occasion, but not to the extent where she's wanted to kick him out on his ass. However, this case is evidence that he has grown complacent, that he's started pushing things too far once again.

He knows why, though. It's because he's frustrated. Cases like this one seem like a waste of precious time and resources, especially when there are serial killers out there waiting to be caught. But there's been so little progress in the Red John case it makes him question his very motive for offering his services to the CBI. The serial killer has been ominously silent for a considerable amount of time now and it worries him. There's been too many lives lost and destroyed thanks to Red John and yet, he continues to elude them. Something needs to be done and yet, without more evidence, there's no way he can move.

When Lisbon finally returns to the Tolliver family home, with the wife in cuffs, she looks like she's just about ready to murder him with her bare hands. Jane is used to this and her frustrations. Barely a week goes by without her admonishing him for one misdemeanor or another. However, it's been a very long while since he's last seen her this angry.

And automatically, he panics.

What if he's gone too far?

What if this is the straw that broke the camel's back?

What if she's finally realized that she cannot handle this – and him – anymore?

They've skirted around trust issues for so long now, but Jane had believed they were just about rubbing along nicely now. But of course, he's inadvertently responsible for a murder now. And that, as far as Senior Agent Teresa Lisbon is concerned, reflects badly on her as well. It means she cannot control him, she fears that there will be repercussions in other ways too. A lack of respect from her subordinates, doubts from her superiors and the feeling of failure from her highest critic – herself.

They sit in a stony silence while in the SUV on the way back to the CBI headquarters. All the while, the knot in his stomach continues to tighten itself.

"You're on suspension," she eventually mutters. "For three weeks. Now, go. I don't want to see you again until it's over."

iii.

Jane had always known that William McTeer had been Lisbon's career maker. Before joining the CBI, he'd done his research into his future co-workers and it had been her most publicized case. It was little wonder that Virgil Minelli had head-hunted her for his Serious Crimes Unit. She was young, beautiful and most importantly, good at her job. In short, she'd been the perfect poster girl for the CBI at the time.

And since joining, she'd been successful too. Why else would Minelli continually entrust her with the most important cases in the state of California. Why else would he have believed that she, of all people, would be capable of reining him in?

But nobody had expected that the McTeer case would come back and bite them on the ass. It was meant to be ancient history, buried in the past.

It's little wonder that Lisbon has been on edge since seeing his dead body.

She's been moodier, distant and paranoid. He couldn't blame her for that; he has more than enough skeletons buried in his closest. Jane wouldn't want her to know anything about them. And yet, Lisbon currently has to endure people questioning absolutely everything she stands for. It's little wonder she's beginning to buckle underneath the pressure. Anybody would if they were in her shoes right now.

And just for a moment, Jane had questioned whether or not her behavior is due to the fact she is responsible and trying desperately to hide her guilt, or if she genuinely couldn't remember what she'd been doing on the night William McTeer had been killed.

Then, he wonders if he's losing touch with her. He doesn't know if he's underestimated her all this time or if he never really knew her in the first place. But that would be ludicrous; she's easy to read and her motives have always been clear all this time. However, he knows what it's like to have a devil on his shoulder; maybe Mr. McTeer is her equivalent? Maybe she genuinely couldn't stand to see a guilty man walk free, with the abilities and capabilities to commit heinous crimes once again. It must be galling, seeing your hard work being undone and tossed aside, like a piece of trash.

But still, he trusts her. He knows she's not driven by vengeance; she just upholds the law because it's what she believes in. It may not be perfect, but it works for her. She cannot even conceive killing a man in cold blood, because that's not what she does, however cruel somebody may be. He knows she _can_ kill, and has even seen her do so. However, that's always been self-defense or defending a member of her team. It's always been the last option left to her.

The fear in her eyes scares him. He knows there's a very real chance he can lose her to this, whether or not she's guilty.

But he can tell it's a frame job, because she didn't expect to find McTeer's body surrounded by all those dumpsters.

And he knows, he has to do _everything_ to clear her good name.

She's all he has left now.

iv.

Red John comes and goes; an omnipresent shadow on his otherwise pleasant existence with the CBI.

There had been a time when he'd believed that he would never fall in love again. Not since losing Angela, and not since losing Charlotte. However, he's always been inexplicably drawn to Lisbon and finds himself simultaneously holding her as close as possible and at arm's length at the same time. Even Jane had realized there was only so long before something snapped.

He's always sought Lisbon's approval, even if he never particularly realized it at first. There's something about her confirmation that she agrees with his methods, likes his style and approves of the results which makes him inexplicably happy. However, he's always been scared that when (not if) he does something wrong, that she'll just cast him aside.

Jane doesn't know how to live without her. Not anymore. When he joined the CBI he'd been looking for a reason to live again. He'd never imagined it would come in the form of a person, though. But equally, it doesn't surprise him either; throughout his life, it's always been people that he connects with. It's never been concepts, thoughts or ideals. Humanity is what keeps him in check.

Sometimes, he worries that the game he's playing – with Red John, with her – is pushing her away from him. He knows that she lives in a state of perpetual confusion when it comes to him. Some days he's giving her one signal and the next day, it's another and so on. And besides, they are both aware of the threat of Red John lingering in the shadows. If he dares risk it, who knows what would happen?

They could both lose everything. He could drag her down with him and if he does - he'd never forgive himself for that.

In the end, she is the one to make the first move. It's after a particularly harrowing case; ones involving child murder always are. Just because they got the positive outcome in the end, it doesn't make it any easier to deal with the fallout. They are a little drunk and in the bar. One misplaced hand is all it takes for her to place an impromptu kiss on his cheek. Instinct kicks in and he reciprocates with one on her lips. The alcohol makes him feel reckless and he's almost surprised when she doesn't push him away.

One thing leads to another and soon enough, they find themselves in bed, together. It's a shabby motel room; certainly not the kind of place he imagined spending their first night. After it's done, he cannot help but wonder if she will not be there in the morning.

A boundary once crossed cannot be uncrossed.

And Lisbon is as professional as it comes. She cannot stand for muddying the borderline or breaking the rules. It's just not the done thing.

When the morning sun rises, illuminating her pale skin and accentuating her features, he cannot help but smile.

She's still here.

v.

"I can't do this. Not anymore."

He understands, of course he does. Red John has killed her brother, Tommy, and left Annabeth brutally traumatized as a consequence. It doesn't take much to read between the lines to be able to tell that this is just a warning. The smiley face on the wall above Thomas Lisbon's head might as well read 'you're next' instead.

All he can do is nod and apologize over and over again. There's nothing he can do; he can't stop her from leaving.

But when he watches her walk away, it breaks his heart more than he cares to admit.

vi.

He misses her with every second that passes. It's more unbearable than he's ever imagined. Now, Jane's convinced that he's destined to live his life alone. Teresa had been his second chance, he knows that, and yet fear has sent her running away. He doesn't blame her; he'd always known there had been a risk of that happening. Especially with Red John still out there, determined to make his life a misery because of one fatal error so many years ago now.

Jane is sick to death with Red John. He wants to live again, wants to feel, wants to be free to love who he pleases, but he can't. Even if he tries to shake himself free, Red John continually anchors him to his past.

As much as he can, he keeps an eye out for Lisbon. It's difficult because she's still such a naturally secretive soul, but of course, there are things that leak out of the woodwork.

He's as surprised as anyone when she defaults to the FBI. Jane isn't surprised that they hired her; she's an excellent agent and has a proven track record. And if anyone can deal with Patrick Jane and still keep hold of their conscience, dignity and sense of justice, then they must be able to face anything.

Jane keeps up fighting against Red John, because, as far as he's concerned, he's lost another thing to Red John now.

Only Lisbon isn't completely unassailable to him, not like Angela and Charlotte. He can – he will – he must – get her back. It's obvious just how sane she keeps him; as much as Rigsby, Van Pelt and Cho try to help, it's just not the same. It just isn't the same without her.

In the end, it's Lisbon who takes down Red John, from within the confines of the FBI, no less. Jane had never trusted them and now he knows precisely why. The whole institution had been riddled with deceit, lies and corruption. He's inordinately proud of her, but she remains as aloof.

But then, he never expected her to run straight into his arms afterwards, anyway.

It takes a short while for them to begin talking again. A little while longer for them to regain that mental intimacy they'd once shared.

Eventually, she's back in his arms, where she belonged in the first place.

But every night, the old paranoia haunts him. What if she finds another reason to leave again? What if he pushes away accidentally? What if they just couldn't work anyway, regardless of the presence of Red John?

What if they were truly not meant to be?

Every morning, he feels the same relief wash over him because she's still there.

He knows that she still has some secrets buried away deep inside of her. She's translucent, not transparent. There's a slight difference between the two. But that's what keeps them healthy.

And she knows that she'd never dare leave him, not again. He can't see that, not at face value. Or maybe, he just can't read it because he's so scared that the answer may not be the one he wants it to be.

But she knows.


End file.
